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| I envy impulsive behavior, yet every time I get the opportunity to act impulsive, I think logically and the risk that could have been the greatest experience of my life passes me by. I do not think I am a cowardly person, only incredibly anxious… all of the time. I say “what if” a million times in my head every single day and I’ve learned that these thoughts cause nothing but stomach issues. By the end of the day, I lay in my bed calculating all of the ridiculous possibilities that flew through my head which, in turn causes insomnia. This vicious cycle of self destruction has worn me down time and time again and I am tired.
I recently stepped out of my comfortable bubble of delusion and security and took a leap of faith on something as uncertain as spring weather. While something like this would normally freak me out and send me into hiding, I decided to take a hit and maybe get hurt. I did this because I realized while living in my security bubble, I was in fact protecting myself from life’s tortures, but I was also missing out on its greatest pleasures as well. I cannot heal without feeling pain, I cannot laugh without frowning first and I cannot experience life if I do not allow myself to do so.
I am about to do something very unlike me. Instead of letting this moment pass me by, I am going to take a risk, even if the end is potentially hazardous to my well being. I might come back from this experience broken and devastated, I might regret it at the time, and I might crawl back into my comfortable bubble for a while. All of these things MIGHT happen, but this experience might also be nothing but incredible… and that is the risk I am finally willing to take.
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| Posted: July 01, 2009 at 10:22 pm |
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| Once upon a time, a girl got on a plane… This is the setting of a not-so-fairytale story but a fun one to tell. The girl (if you hadn’t guessed) is me and I had been going on my 12th hour of travel time to reach the other end of the country. I sat down in my designated seat on this very uncomfortable plane in which I received the news from the pilot that we would be sitting there for a lot longer than expected. While minding my business as best as one can on a small plane, I noticed this fidgety man across the isle from me; I discreetly turned my head in his direction to see what the hell was making him so restless but my subtle peek ended up being a very indiscreet gaze. I was immediately attracted to this edgy man in the blue. I instantly turned back to what I was doing and just passed the moment by like I usually do.
An hour went by before we were in the air and the fidgety man finally spoke the forsaken words, “what are you going to Virginia for?” The conversation never paused for the entire 90 minute flight and before we knew it, two incredibly awkward conversers were exchanging phone numbers. It turned out that his fidgeting wasn’t a mild twitching disorder; he was actually just trying to summon the nerve to talk to me which we ended up laughing about a few days later.
Three days in each others company resulted in a very spontaneous weekend. The securely independent girl who never steps out of her shell went far, far away from my body and I allowed myself to lust over someone I had only known for days. I never give relationships a chance and I don’t really know why. Maybe it is because I have seen so many of them fail or because I see how broken people can become because of them, or maybe I reject them because I hate vulnerability. Whatever reason it is that I discard these feelings was not strong enough to save me from breaking this time. I am broken, and I like it. |
| Posted: July 01, 2009 at 11:32 am |
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| I am twitter petted. This feeling comes very seldom for me but I have been quite literally been swept off of my feet. For those of you who know me well, this is probably a weird and awkward side of me that you are unfamiliar with. I am not going to toot my own horn (or his for that matter) but my independently secured soul has currently fled from my body.
By no means am I declaring an idyllic future for myself and this certain person; only time can tell what will happen, but since this seems to be the dominant emotion in my gut at the moment, I figured I should write about it…
And if you do not know what twitter petted means, you are a lost soul and I cannot help you…
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| Posted: June 30, 2009 at 12:44 pm |
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| It’s been a while, but instead of explaining my nerves again, I am just going to go at it with a running start and pretend like I never stopped writing. Life is crazy sometimes, I know we all know that but have you ever stopped to think for a minute just how crazy it is? I have been living at such a fast pace lately that when I finally paused for a second, I realized all of the things I was missing out on. Now that I have had that revelation, I am having the most difficult time stepping back in. I feel like I have slowed down so much that if I put one foot back into that fast paced life of mine, I will get hit by a bus.
Until recently, I loved being independent and I was very proud of the fact that I can juggle so many responsibilities at once; and then I take one measly little vacation and I fall apart. I can’t get my head in place, I lose focus once I get there and I just really don’t care anymore if I’m doing a good job or not. I’m sure I will regain this integrity that I have lost but I’m kind of enjoying its absence. |
| Posted: June 18, 2009 at 1:45 pm |
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| There is a lot you can learn from being poor, like how to make use out of the things in your refrigerator that you are normally afraid to touch, and how to wash your hair with no or little shampoo, or that it is not the end of the world if I have to wear my glasses more often to save on contact solution. When I was younger, my family went through periods where we would have to use all of these survival tactics. Usually this time occurred toward the end of my mom’s pay period. My mom called this “famine week” and since I had no idea what the word “famine” meant, this roughly translated into “really bad food week”. I am grateful that my mother taught me so well on how to survive real life. It is because of her that I survived off of a jar of peanut butter and 3 packs of Top Ramen during the roughest stages of my college life… that and her care packages with entire loaves of homemade banana bread. Mothers have a way of keeping a watchful eye on their children, even when they are hundreds of miles away. Recently, I went through my very own “famine week” and with a whole lot of help and charity from my beloved family, I got through it fairly smoothly. It is hard to starve to death when I have 7 aunts stuffing food down my throat and occasionally in my purse when I am not looking. I’m not complaining; they are really good cooks. So this is life I guess; bills, school loans, grocery shopping and occasional weeks of famine. Lucky for me I have been well taught on how to survive it with a little bit of dignity. |
| Posted: April 25, 2009 at 8:30 am |
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| As excited as I am to have my very own writing website, I’ve procrastinated immensely because of something as simple as nerves. I’ve written so much throughout my life, both privately and publicly but never publicly about myself. You would think that someone who has journaled almost daily for 4 years wouldn’t have this problem but, as it turns out, apprehension can keep anybody from doing almost anything. I’ve decided not to let fear keep me from accomplishing something as little as a blog, because I realize that it is fear that has gotten me to where I am, nowhere.
I live a fairly tedious life and sometimes it feels like somebody pushed the ‘repeat’ button as a practical joke. I’m comfortable with my convenient amenities that most people have like my steady paycheck, warm bed, routine television shows and indoor plumbing. However, I have realized that sometimes you just have to pee outdoors to really experience life.
Living life safely can get so boring and it seems like I have been doing it for too long. Hence the reason why I took the plunge to publicly introduce all of you to my flawed life and why I welcome you to join me while I change it. I will certainly make stupid decisions as I have before but I must refuse, from this point forward, to live my life on repeat. This may not make sense to some of you, but that is okay, I only hope you can continue to read on because I have a feeling pieces will start falling into place eventually and maybe I can help somebody else along the way while helping myself. |
| Posted: April 11, 2009 at 6:25 pm |
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