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I am many things. I am a woman, I am anxious, I am obsessed, I am thoughtful and I am undecided. This mixture of traits can be beneficial and it can also be explosive. I haven’t decided which road it has taken yet in my current situation. It may be burning up old stones and creating a more interesting path for me. However, in the time being, I have beaten myself up; I have abused my mind, body and soul because I know how to do it so well. I can’t help but think, “What did I do wrong? How could I be so stupid and unfocused and unprotected?” I’ve spent 24 years of my life adapting to being me and now I feel like I have to start all over again.
I wish I was comfortable with myself, but again, I think that is an undesirable trait of women all around. I wish I was as strong as I seem, I wish I had courage to take that step into the deep end and be confident enough not to drown… But I know I will drown. I am not a good swimmer. I will have to start over, start with water wings and a flotation device, and perhaps someday I will be brave enough to leave them behind and do it on my own. |
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| Posted: February 01, 2010 at 2:20 pm |
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