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I feel ashamed of myself because, until recently, I had a very difficult time being me when the time was crucial for it. It took me 25 years to realize, being me is not wrong! In fact, it is imperative to living a happy life.
For a long time, when someone showed interest in me, in anyway, I would completely neglect my beliefs, my talents, myself; the traits that make me, me. Somebody would say something that I would completely disagree with or something against what I stand for, and I would stay silent, or worse, nod or say, "yeah..." as if I were neutral to the matter; as if my opinions didn't matter! Just thinking about this makes me sick with shame.
I realized I was doing this the entire time, especially in my relationships or my potential relationships, and my soul would scream at me with impatience, causing even more anxiety that I already had, and then I had the stomach pains and sleep deprivation; this created a whole mess of chaos! It was not until very recently that I figured out the amazing revelation that it is okay to be me. It started with small, simple things like shoes: for the longest time, I didn't wear tall and beautiful shoes because I was afraid people would think I was too tall, being 5'9" barefoot. But then, as easily as tying my shoe, I realized, "why the hell would I care if people thought I was too tall?! They didn't make those gorgeous shoes with restrictions!"
Another instance: I was contemplating dying my hair for the longest time, "but what would everybody think after being a blonde my whole life... and it's really nothing anybody would expect me to do... I just can't make that change." And then my conscience, which I had silenced for so long finally overpowered my fears and I dyed my hair. Though I was kindly reminded that 'gentlemen prefer blondes', I ignored that comment and considered that only one thing mattered-I loved it.
There are so many traits and characteristics that make me who I am and I am no longer silencing them. I am clumsy; I love fair trade jewelry and have a ring for every one of my fingers; purple is my favorite color; though overly popular, I think the 'coexist' bumper stickers represent what we all should be doing; I am not gay but I am an open and proud GLB Ally; I think the Islamic religion is the most misunderstood in the world and I despise the word 'terrorist' when I hear people defining them; I think Steve Colbert and Ellen Degeneres are the funniest people alive; I love movies, not the way most people do, but in the art form; the annual Sunday of the Academy Awards is my favorite day of the year; I don't know enough about politics to consider myself a democrat or a republican but I am very liberal in my views; I idolize Nicole Kidman; I love Christmas music; I love jazz; I love Christmas jazz music; I don't like to cook and will sit on my couch starving because I refuse to do so; I am a chocoholic; I use my cell phone as it was originally invented for-I refuse to be wired everywhere I go and I hate texting a message more than a few words; I think people that text and drive are ignorant and irresponsible (few things piss me off more than texting and driving and drunk driving); I used to have a huge problem being wrong, but since I am often wrong in my arguments, I'm okay with it now; I think Wal-Mart is corrupt and I won't shop there; I would like to be an artist in several different forms; I love reading, though I am slow at it; I have a true adoration for Harry Potter; I cry when I am happy; I love coffee more than any other beverage; I have the most fun at dive bars and martini venues; Live music often annoys me because it is too loud; I wish I could dance; I still sleep with my Teddy Bear and the thought of not sleeping with him makes me anxious and sad; I love my family more than I could possibly explain; I think my mom and my older sister are true testaments to what women should be; I think my little sister and I follow in their footsteps by learning life's hard lessons and evolving in their guidance; I hate science and love, love, love history; I love anthropology because I think the world's conflicts are developed through cultural barriers, not political; I wish everybody had an open mind; Sometimes I have a hard time finding reason in life, but I know there is one; I think the public school system should implement foreign languages at a young age; I don’t think there is anything more terrifying and interesting as outer space; my aunts are my pseudo-mothers and I love them all more than I can explain; My cousins are some of my best friends and when I hear about people losing touch or not knowing theirs, it makes me sad because I couldn’t imagine my life without mine; I have an overwhelming respect for my grandparents; Sometimes I swear unnecessarily; I am not good with my money; I hate when people tell me what I should and shouldn’t do; I hate when people tell me what other people should and shouldn’t do; I think farts are hilarious; And I hate pickles…
There you go. Those are several of my traits that I have no intention of changing or hiding. If you cannot accept them; too bad. Delete me from your facebook, remove me from your contacts, do what you have to do, because I am not changing. |
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| Posted: December 11, 2010 at 2:16 pm |
Posted in: No Category | Comments (7) |
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| WAY TO GO ALLIE!!!! I think more people in this world need to come to the realization you just have...(including myself) it would make the world a better happier place! Go foreign languages... I want to learn spanish so i can teach it to my kids... i just wrote that in a paper!! I Love you and Miss you mucho!!! |
| Posted by: Nicole | Posted: Dec. 11, 2010 @ 2:25 pm |
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| Another great post, keep it up! |
| Posted by: Chris | Posted: Dec. 11, 2010 @ 3:03 pm |
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| Fantastic! These are all qualities that make you who you are, and anyone who loves you already loves all of these things. :) You're one of the craziest and best people I know. It always surprises me to know that you have any insecurities at all.
I definitely want to go get coffee soon! Life has been crazy hectic lately but should settle after the 1st of the year. Let's make a date. :) |
| Posted by: Ang (Ridit) | Posted: Dec. 11, 2010 @ 7:48 pm |
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| wow i love this!! Ally you are a strong lady and you have such a great personality.. I wish you the best in everything you do! |
| Posted by: Chandele | Posted: Dec. 12, 2010 @ 11:35 am |
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| Once again you amaze me with your writing....I laugh out loud, not at you but with you in every sense of the way. Love you cousin!! |
| Posted by: Carly | Posted: Dec. 13, 2010 @ 10:24 am |
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| I can't explain how much reading this post has helped me in the pass 5 minutes. Thank you. Call me for martinis soon. I need our office talks back more than you can realize. |
| Posted by: Kellie Parr | Posted: Dec. 19, 2010 @ 1:47 pm |
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| GxP3bz <a href="http://slnhvsuttbqj.com/">slnhvsuttbqj</a>, [url=http://iqcplkizlgps.com/]iqcplkizlgps[/url], [link=http://kucmdsjebmws.com/]kucmdsjebmws[/link], http://mxalqkbwrcjx.com/ |
| Posted by: kkzismr | Posted: Jan. 29, 2012 @ 9:53 am |
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